Why Do Relationships Fail? 11 Things You Should Avoid
Why Do Relationships Fail Nowadays...
…after two years?
…after five years?
…after ten years?
Why do relationships fail long-term?
I don’t know, but I do know that most who try to answer this question are wrong. Let me share what I learned after interviewing over 200 people between the ages of 18-60 who had been married or cohabitated for three months to fifty years.
When I asked these couples, “Why did your relationship end?” the answer was simple:
“Because of bad chemistry.”
“The passion just wasn’t there anymore.”
And that was true. One spouse would say, “I fell out of love.” And the other would agree. They both knew it; they just didn’t know why.
Well, I believe that chemistry is a terrible reason to marry or remain married — it’s unpredictable and uncontrollable. It is like getting into a car with someone who has no driver’s license and saying, “I’m sure he’ll be O.K. to drive us home.”
Passion takes work, it’s not something that will just happen naturally or continue without attention and nurturing.
How do you explain something so unexplainable? I think that much of our society focuses on finding the right “fit” when in actuality, we should be focusing on finding someone who is willing to work with us through life’s struggles and desires.
Finding a kindred spirit would be nice but that doesn’t happen very often. I think people find one another and commit to each other because they see a lot of positive qualities in the other person and believe that those qualities will help them navigate life together.
The only time this might not work is if one spouse has expectations about how things should be which are far different from what the other spouse believes is realistic.
It’s those expectations that will cause the demise of a relationship; not the lack of passion or chemistry.
11 Reasons Why Relationships Fail
What can you do to prevent a relationship from failing? It’s hard to tell sometimes. Sometimes it just seems fated that a relationship will fail, and no matter how happy or compatible you are, somehow the two of you keep finding reasons to fight.
Other times, there is at least one clear reason why a couple might break up… and it’s not just destiny. The following is a list of the 11 most common reasons why relationships fail, and any one of them can be remedied if you take action:
1) You and your partner may not see each other enough. I don’t mean this in the sense that you’re spending too little time together – I mean they literally don’t see you at all.
If your partner is constantly staring at a screen when they’re supposed to be with you, or if he/she is so preoccupied with other things that he never looks up from his phone… something’s wrong. Studies show that people who spend a lot of time on the internet are more likely to feel depressed and alone, and this is because the internet replaces face-to-face interaction.
You need to have quality time together in order to maintain your relationship. If you think that your partner might be ignoring you, say something about it!
2) You may not be compatible on an intellectual level. This doesn’t mean that one of you has to be a genius and the other has to be a dummy.
However, if your conversations all center around what you did that day and who said what in class… well, there might not be much substance there.
People don’t just date each other for good looks, we get together with people based on common interests and complementary traits, and most of all people we can grow with. If you want to get through life together, you both need to be interested in learning and growing.
And sex is also a good way to keep things interesting – I think we can all agree on that.
3) You might not share the same morals and values. Most couples don’t really discuss their values until it’s too late – they’ve been dating for six months, and it’s only at this point they realize that one of them is a fiscal conservative and the other is a free-spender.
From my experience, this can be a deal-breaker. Even if you have different religious beliefs if they’re similar enough it shouldn’t be a big problem… but if you have radically conflicting moral frameworks then there might not be enough common ground to form a strong foundation.
If you have wildly different goals and dreams, one or both of you might feel like the other person’s happiness is being compromised for your sake.
4) You may not have shared goals. Again, this is something that often goes unnoticed until it becomes a huge problem – but if your partner wants to go into politics and you just want to settle down with a steady job, where does that leave you?
If one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t… it’s really hard. The point is, you need to be on the same page about how your life together will play out. It seems simple enough, but oftentimes people in relationships ignore this. It’s one of the biggest pitfalls in a relationship.
5) You may be too attached to your parents. This is a difficult thing for me to point out, but I think it’s true for many people. You might not want to admit it, but if you share a bed with someone and still call your mom every morning when you wake up… something’s not right.
The goal of a healthy relationship is to become a whole person on your own, and that means you both need to completely live independently from your parents.
If you’re still relying on them for constant support then the two of you will never be independent enough to form your own life together.
6) You might be too selfish. The best relationships are not ‘I love you,’ they’re ‘we love each other.’
This means that your relationship is a team, and if one member of the team has nothing but complaints while the other stops at nothing to please them… it probably won’t work out. If you have an insatiable desire for attention and don’t care how it affects the other person, then things are probably going to end up badly.
It’s important to keep in mind that your love is a gift, not an obligation.
The best relationships are ones where both people know their boundaries and don’t cross them. If they stay within those boundaries there’s nothing they can’t handle… but if they let their boundaries become hazy then things can get real bad real fast.
7) When you don’t trust your partner, it damages the relationship. Without trust, the relationship misses two things that help make it strong: safety and security. Trust is important to a relationship. Without it, you could end up with many problems that will result in the breakup of your relationship.
You may not trust what else he/she tells you, and this can make you suspicious about everything. If things go out of hand, you might even think that he has been cheating on you or sleeping around with other people. If this happens, then it is likely that your relationship may not last long because you will always be thinking about this and this can make a person suspicious and jealous.
Even if you think that he/she has been cheating on you or sleeping around with other people, never confront him/her about it without evidence. If you have a question about trust in your relationship, it’s time to reconsider it since if you can’t trust your spouse, building a future together will be difficult.
8) Wild expectations for your partner can lead to disappointment and resentment.
Don’t expect your spouse to be everything you need. If you are expecting too much from your partner, then there is a big chance that he/she will never feel completely comfortable in the relationship.
If you are constantly putting enormous pressure on him/her for not meeting your expectations, then it can cause resentment and tension in the relationship.
9) You and your partner are moving at different speeds. When one spouse advances quickly while the other does not, it might be a source of conflict in the relationship.
One example of this would be a partner who advances quickly in their career and society, while their significant other does not change at all. The professional and social circles of the couple begin to separate from each other.
They have grown apart because they are physically, intellectually, and socially different from each other now.
10) You and your partner have a different definition of what a “committed relationship” entails. If you agree to the same boundaries and the same rules, then there shouldn’t be any problems in your relationship. However, if you don’t set the guidelines from the start, this is when issues may arise.
11) No understanding of Empathy or one partner just doesn’t have it. Most people do not have a lot of empathy. The definition of empathy is seeing what other people see as if you were them. It is feeling what they feel, and understanding their point of view.
If one or both partners in a relationship lack empathy, it can make the relationship difficult to make work. A lack of empathy often causes hurt feelings by accident or in some cases on purpose.
If either or both individuals have a personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality disorder it will make a relationship fruitless and eventually chaotic.
Narcissists are selfish all the time. They don’t think about other people at all. This makes them do cruel things, so they can feel better and take their anger out on someone else.
They hurt relationships and make life difficult for themselves and others around them.
People say that relationships are hard. But they don’t need to be. The people in the relationship make it difficult. It’s not the relationship itself, but the people involved in it that make it hard. If you see something that is making (or has made) your relationship difficult then learn from it.
This human existence is training for further growth, and who you spend it with makes a difference in how you spend your time…if this article was helpful please share it!!!
If you are struggling within your relationship and you need help, please reach to me 🙂