Odd Ways A Narcissistic Family Will Target the Scapegoat Child
A Narcissistic Family will protect their dysfunction at all costs. It’s especially difficult if you’ve been singled out as the scapegoat. It’s a tough spot to be in, and many people don’t even realize they’ve been put in this role. That’s why it’s so important to understand what’s going on.
In this article, we’ll dive into the ways these families manipulate and control, giving you a clearer picture of your experiences and, most importantly, how to protect yourself from the harm and hideous abuse of a family filled with narcissistic personality disorder.
Understanding the Scapegoat Role in a Narcissistic Family
In a narcissistic family, the scapegoat’s role is to get blamed for all the problems, even when they’ve done nothing wrong. This person is often targeted because they see through the family’s dysfunction and might even speak up about it.
The narcissist, feeling threatened by this, singles out the scapegoat for criticism and emotional abuse.
This unfair treatment can deeply affect the scapegoat’s self-esteem, making them feel worthless or guilty. Over time, they might start to believe they are the cause of the family’s issues. Other family members might join in or ignore the abuse, leaving the scapegoat isolated and unsupported.
In any dysfunctional family, roles like scapegoat, mascot, and golden child are often unconsciously assigned, and deeply embedded within the family’s emotional system.
The role of the scapegoat is particularly harmful, as this person is blamed for nearly everything that goes wrong in the family, even when they have done nothing to deserve it.
The Manufactured Role of the Scapegoat
Scapegoating is a role manufactured within the family system, often passed down through generations. Family members may not even realize they are engaging in scapegoating because it is so ingrained in the family’s emotional DNA.
This role serves to maintain the family’s dysfunctional balance by projecting unresolved issues onto one individual.
1.) Gaslighting: Manipulating Reality
One of the first narcissistic abuse tactics used against the scapegoat is gaslighting. This involves manipulating the scapegoat’s perception of reality, making them doubt their feelings, memories, and rationality.
For example, past discussions are twisted to make the scapegoat seem wrong, leading to constant self-doubt and confusion.
Recovery from gaslighting involves learning to “nail your foot to the floor,” meaning to stay grounded and not allow yourself to be swayed by the manipulations of others.
2.) The Silent Treatment: A Form of Isolation and Punishment
Another common tactic in narcissistic families is the silent treatment. This method of emotional abuse is used to isolate the scapegoat when they speak out or bring up uncomfortable truths.
The Power of Silence in Emotional Abuse
The silent treatment is incredibly powerful and abusive because it cuts off the scapegoat from any form of communication or connection within the family.
When a scapegoat points out issues such as a parent’s alcoholism or a sibling’s abusive behavior, the family may retaliate by refusing to speak to them, effectively silencing their voice.
This isolation reinforces the scapegoat’s role as the family’s problem when in reality, they are often the truth-teller.
3.) Triangulation: Creating Alliances Against the Scapegoat
Triangulation involves bringing a third party into the conflict and creating alliances against the scapegoat. This method is used to form coalitions within the family, further isolating the scapegoat.
Forming Coalitions in Family Dynamics
In a narcissistic family, triangulation is a go-to tactic. The narcissist will manipulate other family members, often those who are more susceptible to control, into siding against the scapegoat.
For instance, they might spread false information, claiming that the scapegoat has wronged someone, thereby rallying others to join in on the scapegoating. This creates a “cabal” within the family, where everyone gangs up on the family scapegoat, making them feel even more isolated and vilified.
4.) Projection: Blaming the Scapegoat for Family Issues
Projection is another tactic where the narcissistic family blames the scapegoat for issues that stem from the family members plagued with narcissism.
The Mechanics of Projection
In the context of a narcissistic family, projection involves accusing the scapegoat of the very faults and behaviors that the narcissists themselves are guilty of.
For instance, if a narcissistic parent is abusive, they may accuse the scapegoat of being the one with anger issues or of being abusive themselves.
This deflection not only protects the narcissist from accountability but also reinforces the scapegoat’s undeserved reputation as the problem child.
5.) Competitive Comparisons: Eroding Self-Esteem
In NPD families, comparisons are often used to undermine the scapegoat’s self-esteem. This tactic is particularly insidious because it pits the scapegoat against other family members in a competition they can never win.
The Damage of Constant Comparisons
Narcissistic parents often compare the scapegoat unfavorably to their siblings or other relatives. Comments like, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “Look how successful your cousin is!” are used to erode the scapegoat’s sense of self-worth.
These comparisons are not about motivating improvement but about keeping the scapegoat feeling inferior and dependent on the narcissist’s approval. This constant barrage of competitive comparisons can lead to deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt in the scapegoat.
6.) Emotional Blackmail: Manipulating Through Guilt
Emotional blackmail is a tactic where guilt is used to control or punish the scapegoat. This method of manipulation plays on the scapegoat’s emotions, making them feel responsible for the narcissist’s happiness or unhappiness.
How Emotional Blackmail Works
In a narcissistic family, emotional blackmail might involve statements like, “If you loved me, you would do this,” or “Other children are much better to their parents than you are.” These statements are designed to make the scapegoat feel guilty for asserting their own needs or boundaries.
This tactic is especially effective because it combines guilt with fear, making the scapegoat feel as though they are always walking on eggshells, trying to avoid further emotional punishment.
7.) Invalidation: Erasing the Scapegoat’s Reality
Invalidation is a subtle but potent form of abuse where the narcissistic family dismisses or denies the scapegoat’s feelings, memories, or opinions. This tactic is used to make the scapegoat feel as though their reality is not valid or important.
The Impact of Being Invalidated
When a scapegoat’s feelings or experiences are consistently invalidated, they start to question their reality. For example, if a scapegoat confronts a family member about a hurtful event, the narcissist might respond with, “That never happened,” or “You’re too sensitive.”
This dismissal not only erases the scapegoat’s experience but also reinforces the family’s narrative that the scapegoat is the problem. Over time, this can lead to a deep sense of alienation and confusion, as the scapegoat struggles to reconcile their feelings with the family’s version of events.
8.) Selective Memory: Rewriting the Past
Selective memory is a tactic where the narcissistic family conveniently forgets events that would validate the scapegoat’s perspective or challenge the family’s narrative.
The Frustration of Selective Memory
In a narcissistic family, selective memory is often used to deny or minimize the scapegoat’s experiences. For instance, if the scapegoat brings up past instances of abuse or neglect, the narcissistic family members might claim, “I don’t remember it happening that way,” or “You’re making things up.”
This tactic not only invalidates the scapegoat’s experiences but also rewrites history in a way that absolves the narcissist of any wrongdoing. The scapegoat is left feeling frustrated and powerless, unable to hold anyone accountable for their actions.
9.) Casting the Scapegoat as Unbelievable
A particularly harmful tactic used by narcissistic families is to cast the scapegoat as unbelievable or untrustworthy. This strategy serves to discredit the scapegoat and prevent others from taking their side.
The Consequences of Being Labeled Unbelievable
When a scapegoat child is labeled as unbelievable, it undermines their credibility in the eyes of others. For example, a narcissistic family member might spread rumors that the scapegoat is manipulative or has changed for the worse.
This not only isolates the scapegoat further but also discourages others from listening to their perspective or offering support.
The scapegoat is left feeling alienated and doubting their worth, as their attempts to assert their reality are met with disbelief and rejection.
Breaking Free From Narcissistic Family Scapegoat Role
Breaking free from the role of a scapegoat in a narcissistic family is a challenging but empowering journey. Here’s a guide to help navigate this difficult process.
1. Assess Your Situation
The first step is to take an honest look at your circumstances. Understand the patterns of behavior in your family that keep you in the scapegoat role.
This awareness is crucial for planning your next steps. It might involve recognizing manipulation, gaslighting, or other abusive behaviors that have been normalized in your family dynamic.
2. Gather Support
Breaking free is not something you should do alone. Surround yourself with a support system that could include trusted friends, therapists, or support groups.
These individuals can offer emotional support, guidance, and perspective, helping you maintain your mental and emotional health throughout this challenging time.
3. Establish Boundaries
Setting clear, firm boundaries is vital when dealing with a narcissistic family. Decide what behaviors you will no longer tolerate and communicate these boundaries assertively.
Be prepared for pushback, as narcissists often react negatively to losing control, but remember that these boundaries are essential for your well-being.
4. Create a Safety Plan
If you anticipate retaliation or harm from your family, prioritize your safety. This might involve securing important documents, saving money, or identifying a safe place to go if the situation escalates.
A well-thought-out safety plan is crucial for protecting yourself as you distance yourself from the toxic environment.
5. Seek Financial Independence
Financial independence can give you the freedom to make decisions without relying on your family. Look into job opportunities, educational programs, or financial aid that can help you become self-sufficient.
The ability to support yourself financially is a key factor in breaking free.
6. Consult a Professional
A therapist or counselor who specializes in family dynamics and trauma can be an invaluable resource. They can provide coping strategies, help you process your experiences, and guide you as you heal from the emotional wounds inflicted by your narcissistic family.
7. Plan Your Exit
Leaving a narcissistic family often requires careful planning. Consider the logistics of your departure—where you’ll go, how you’ll sustain yourself, and what you’ll do if things don’t go as planned. The goal is to minimize risks and ensure a smooth transition to a healthier environment.
8. Focus on Self-Care
Finally, prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical health. Engage in activities that bring you joy and peace, whether it’s through hobbies, exercise, or mindfulness practices. Self-care is essential for rebuilding your life after leaving a toxic family environment.
Breaking free from a narcissistic family as a scapegoat is a complex process, but it’s a crucial step toward reclaiming your life. With support, planning, and a focus on self-care, you can move beyond the toxic dynamics and create a healthier, happier future for yourself.
Final Thoughts
Being the scapegoat in a narcissistic family is incredibly challenging, but understanding these tactics is the first step towards breaking free from this toxic role.
Whether it’s gaslighting, silent treatment, or any of the other methods discussed, recognizing these behaviors empowers you to protect yourself and reclaim your sense of self.
Remember, you are not alone, and there is a path to healing. If you’re ready to take the next step, consider seeking support through therapy or self-help resources.
Your journey to reclaiming your life starts with understanding, and I hope this article has provided you with the insights you need to begin that process.
