Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument with your partner, only for them to suddenly go silent, refusing to engage further? Or maybe you’ve been the one to shut down, feeling overwhelmed or frustrated, opting for the cold comfort of silence.

This behavior is known as stonewalling, and while it might feel like a way to protect yourself from an uncomfortable situation, it can do more harm than good to your relationship.

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What Are Signs of Stonewalling?

Recognizing stonewalling in a relationship isn’t always straightforward. While some behaviors are overt, others can be subtle, making it easy to overlook the signs.

Understanding these signs is crucial because they are the building blocks of a communication breakdown that can severely damage a relationship.

Here are some common signs of stonewalling:

Ignoring What the Other Person is Saying: When one partner refuses to acknowledge the other’s words, it’s a clear indication that communication has hit a wall. This often leaves the other person feeling dismissed and unimportant.
Changing the Subject to Avoid an Uncomfortable Topic: If someone consistently steers the conversation away from difficult subjects, it’s a form of avoidance that prevents resolving important issues.
Storming Off Without a Word: Leaving in the middle of a conversation, especially during a heated moment, is a dramatic form of stonewalling that shuts down any chance of constructive dialogue.
Coming Up with Reasons Not to Talk: Excuses like “I’m too tired,” or “Let’s discuss this later,” when used repeatedly, can be a tactic to delay or completely avoid addressing the problem.
Refusing to Answer Questions: This tactic involves deliberately not responding to direct questions, which can be infuriating and leaves the other person in the dark about where things stand.
Making Accusations Rather Than Talking About the Current Problem: Instead of addressing the issue at hand, the stonewaller may deflect by accusing their partner of unrelated wrongdoings, creating a diversion from the real problem.
Using Dismissive Body Language Such as Rolling or Closing Their Eyes: Non-verbal cues can be just as harmful as verbal stonewalling. Eye-rolling, closing eyes, or turning away from the partner all send a message of disinterest or disdain.
Engaging in Passive-Aggressive Behaviors Such as Stalling or Procrastinating to Avoid Talking About a Problem: When a partner repeatedly delays discussions under the guise of being busy or needing more time, it can be a subtle but powerful form of stonewalling.
Refusing to Ever Acknowledge the Stonewalling Behavior: Denying that stonewalling is happening can be particularly frustrating for the partner who is trying to communicate. This refusal to recognize the behavior makes it impossible to address and resolve the underlying issues.

Understanding these signs is the first step in addressing stonewalling within your relationship. Recognizing the behavior allows you to take proactive steps to open up communication channels and foster a more open and honest dialogue with your partner.

If you or your partner are exhibiting these behaviors, it might be time to explore why they’re happening and seek ways to improve communication.

A couple in a modern kitchen, one partner visibly frustrated while the other offers comfort, reflecting the strain caused by unresolved conflict and stonewalling in their relationship. — Is Stonewalling Toxic Behavior

Why Stonewalling Feels Like a Betrayal

When someone stonewalls, they create an invisible barrier, leaving the other person feeling isolated and unheard. It’s like being in the middle of a conversation where the other person suddenly exits the room without warning.

This emotional abandonment can make the stonewalled partner feel worthless, rejected, and confused. According to Dr. John Gottman, a well-respected psychologist and researcher, “Stonewalling is one of the most significant predictors of relationship breakdown. When communication shuts down, the relationship begins to erode.”

What Drives Someone to Stonewall?

Understanding the motivations behind stonewalling is crucial for addressing it effectively in relationships.

Often, stonewalling is not merely an act of hostility but a response rooted in deeper emotional struggles like fear, anxiety, or frustration.

Recognizing these underlying causes can help both partners work together to overcome the barriers stonewalling creates.

Common Motivations for Stonewalling

Fear of Confrontation: Many people stonewall to avoid conflict, often due to childhood experiences where expressing emotions led to negative consequences. This learned behavior becomes a way to protect themselves from the discomfort of confrontation.
Emotional Overwhelm: During intense emotional moments, some individuals may shut down because they feel incapable of handling the situation. Stonewalling becomes a way to cope with feelings of being overwhelmed.
Control or Manipulation: In more extreme cases, stonewalling is used to exert control over the situation, pushing the other person to bend to their will or to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
Underlying Hopelessness: If someone believes a resolution is unattainable or that their partner isn’t interested in resolving the issue, they might disengage out of hopelessness. This defensive mechanism is often a way to avoid further emotional pain.
Childhood Conditioning: Stonewalling can be a learned behavior from childhood, where it was used by parents to “keep the peace” or assert dominance. This ingrained response can become a default reaction in adult relationships.
Self-Perception of Neutrality: Some individuals stonewall to appear neutral or composed, especially if they view their partner as overly emotional or unreasonable. This can create an illusion of taking the “higher ground” but ultimately deepens the communication divide.

By understanding these motivations, whether they stem from fear, emotional overwhelm, control, hopelessness, or learned behaviors, couples can begin to address stonewalling more constructively.

Recognizing these patterns allows both partners to work together to develop healthier communication strategies, ultimately strengthening their relationship.

The Impact of Stonewalling in Relationships

Predictor of Divorce

According to Dr. John Gottman, stonewalling is one of the four key predictors of future divorce. His research on over 40,000 couples identified stonewalling as a significant indicator of relationship dissolution.

Physical Health Impact

A longitudinal study revealed that stonewalling in husbands predicted deteriorations in their physical health over a 20-year period. The study found a significant increase in musculoskeletal symptoms related to stonewalling behavior.

Gender Differences

Men are more likely to stonewall, especially under stress. However, when women stonewall, it has a stronger prediction for future relationship dissolution, indicating gender-based differences in the impact of this behavior.

Impact on Relationships

Stonewalling contributes to:

Poor communication and conflict resolution
Feelings of disrespect and emotional isolation
Increased anger and resentment
Heightened risk of infidelity due to unmet emotional needs

Why Does Stonewalling Damage Relationships?

While stonewalling might seem like a harmless or even necessary escape from a stressful situation, its effects can be far-reaching.

Research has shown that stonewalling doesn’t just hurt emotionally; it can have physical repercussions as well.

A long-term study of 156 couples revealed that persistent stonewalling behaviors were linked to physical symptoms such as backaches, neck stiffness, and muscle pain in the stonewaller, while their partners often experienced cardiovascular issues like increased blood pressure and headaches.

Stonewalling is a deeply harmful communication pattern that can quietly erode the foundation of even the strongest relationships.

At its core, stonewalling is not just about silence or withdrawal; it’s about shutting down the very channels of connection that relationships rely on to thrive.

When one partner stonewalls, it creates a barrier that blocks emotional intimacy and trust, causing the relationship to suffer in several significant ways.

The Emotional Toll of Withdrawal

When stonewalling occurs, it often leads to emotional withdrawal on both sides. The partner who stonewalls might feel justified in their silence, believing it to be a protective measure against conflict.

However, the partner on the receiving end is left feeling isolated, ignored, and rejected. This emotional withdrawal can quickly create a widening gap between the two individuals, making it harder to reconnect and resolve underlying issues.

Over time, this sense of distance can grow, causing partners to drift apart emotionally. The once-strong bonds of intimacy and trust begin to weaken, replaced by feelings of loneliness and resentment.

As the emotional connection deteriorates, the relationship can start to feel more like a battleground than a partnership, with both individuals feeling misunderstood and unsupported.

A couple during a counseling session in a cozy living room, engaged in conversation with a therapist, symbolizing the beginning of resolving relationship issues. — Is Stonewalling Passive Aggressive

Manipulation and Control: The Darker Side of Stonewalling

While stonewalling can sometimes be an unintentional defense mechanism, it can also be wielded as a powerful tool of manipulation and control.

When used deliberately, stonewalling becomes a means of shifting the blame for relationship problems onto the other person without taking any personal responsibility.

The stonewalling partner may use silence as a way to punish or exert power over their partner, forcing them into a position of submission or compliance.

In this context, stonewalling becomes not just a barrier to communication but a weapon that undermines the very principles of equality and mutual respect that are essential in any healthy relationship.

The partner who is stonewalled may begin to doubt their worth, feeling as though they are constantly in the wrong or incapable of satisfying their partner’s needs.

This dynamic can lead to a toxic cycle where the stonewalled partner becomes increasingly desperate for validation, only to be met with more silence and rejection.

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Stonewalling as Gaslighting: Undermining Reality

In its most insidious form, stonewalling can be a type of gaslighting, a tactic that manipulates someone into questioning their reality.

When one partner consistently refuses to engage in dialogue or acknowledge the other person’s feelings, it can make the other person doubt their perceptions and experiences.

They may start to wonder if they are overreacting, being too sensitive, or imagining problems that aren’t there.

This self-doubt can be incredibly damaging, leading to a loss of self-confidence and an increasing dependence on the stonewalling partner’s approval or acknowledgment.

The more the stonewalled partner doubts themselves, the more power the stonewalling partner holds, further entrenching the imbalance of power in the relationship.

The Vicious Cycle of Stonewalling

One of the most destructive aspects of stonewalling is how it perpetuates a vicious cycle. The more one partner stonewalls, the more the other partner may push for communication and resolution, often with increasing frustration and desperation.

This, in turn, may lead the stonewalling partner to withdraw even further, feeling overwhelmed or attacked. As the cycle continues, both partners become entrenched in their roles, making it harder to break free from the pattern.

Without intervention, this cycle can lead to a complete breakdown of communication, where both partners feel alienated and disconnected.

The relationship may become characterized by a constant undercurrent of tension and unresolved conflict, leading to a deep-seated dissatisfaction that can eventually culminate in separation or divorce…

A couple in the living room and one is ignoring the other as the other is clearly upset — Is stonewalling Narcissistic

Is Stonewalling Always Abusive?

Not all instances of stonewalling are abusive, but when it’s done intentionally to manipulate or control the other person, it can cross into emotional abuse.

For example, if one partner routinely shuts down conversations to avoid accountability or to punish the other, this is a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored.

Stonewalling can also be a form of gaslighting, where the stonewaller makes their partner doubt their own experiences and feelings, leading to confusion and self-doubt.

How to Address Stonewalling in Your Relationship

If you recognize stonewalling in your relationship, it’s crucial to address it sooner rather than later. The first step is acknowledging the behavior without placing blame. Here’s how you can start:

Communicate Openly: Approach your partner with a willingness to understand, rather than accuse. For example, you might say, “I’ve noticed that we both tend to shut down during arguments. Can we talk about why that happens and how we can handle it differently?”
Set Ground Rules: Agree on communication strategies before conflicts arise. This could include taking a break when emotions run high, but with the understanding that you will return to the conversation after cooling down.
Practice Active Listening: When discussing sensitive topics, make a conscious effort to listen fully before responding. This means no interrupting, no eye-rolling, and no dismissive body language. Acknowledge your partner’s feelings even if you don’t agree with them.
Seek Professional Help: Sometimes, couples need outside support to break unhealthy communication patterns. A therapist can offer valuable tools and strategies to help both partners understand and change their behaviors.

Dr. Carly Snyder, a psychiatrist specializing in women’s mental health, emphasizes the importance of seeking professional help: “Couples therapy can be incredibly effective in teaching partners how to communicate in a way that brings them closer together, rather than driving them apart.”
Take Care of Yourself: If you’re the one being stonewalled, it’s important to take care of your emotional well-being. This might mean seeking individual therapy, practicing self-care, and setting boundaries. Remember, it’s okay to ask for what you need in a relationship.

Stonewalling is one of the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,’ or indicators that if nothing changes in the relationship, it will fail. It’s a technique some people use when they feel they’ve lost control in a conflict, and it involves putting up an emotional wall between yourself and the other person in the relationship.
John Gottman, The Gottman Institute

Final Thoughts:

Stonewalling is more than just a bad habit; it’s a destructive communication pattern that can undermine the foundation of your relationship. However, with awareness, effort, and the right tools, you can overcome it.

Whether it’s through open communication, setting new ground rules, or seeking professional help, there are steps you can take to ensure that your relationship remains strong and healthy.

If you’re struggling with stonewalling in your relationship, don’t wait for the damage to become irreparable. Start making changes today, and remember that every step you take towards better communication is a step towards a stronger, more fulfilling partnership.

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