Have you ever been in a heated argument with your partner, only to have them suddenly fall silent and refuse to engage further? Or maybe you’ve been the one to shut down, feeling overwhelmed or frustrated, opting for the cold comfort of silence.

This behavior is known as stonewalling, and while it might feel like a way to protect yourself from an uncomfortable situation, it can do more harm than good to your relationship.

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What Are Signs of Stonewalling?

Recognizing stonewalling in a relationship isn’t always straightforward. While some behaviors are overt, others can be subtle, making it easy to overlook the signs.

Understanding these signs is crucial. They are the building blocks of a communication breakdown that can severely damage a relationship.

Here are some common signs of stonewalling:

Ignoring What the Other Person is Saying: When one partner refuses to acknowledge the other’s words, it’s a clear indication that communication has hit a wall. This often leaves the other person feeling dismissed and unimportant.
Changing the Subject to Avoid an Uncomfortable Topic: If someone consistently steers the conversation away from difficult subjects, it’s a form of avoidance that prevents resolving important issues.
Storming Off Without a Word: Leaving in the middle of a conversation, especially during a heated moment, is a dramatic form of stonewalling that shuts down any chance of constructive dialogue.
Coming Up with Reasons Not to Talk: Excuses like “I’m too tired,” or “Let’s discuss this later,” when used repeatedly, can be a tactic to delay or completely avoid addressing the problem.
Refusing to Answer Questions: This tactic involves deliberately not responding to direct questions, which can be infuriating and leaves the other person in the dark about where things stand.
Making Accusations Rather Than Talking About the Current Problem: Instead of addressing the issue, the stonewaller may deflect by accusing their partner of unrelated wrongdoings, creating a diversion from the real problem.
Using Dismissive Body Language Such as Rolling or Closing Their Eyes: Non-verbal cues can be as harmful as verbal stonewalling. Eye-rolling, closing eyes, or turning away from the partner all send a message of disinterest or disdain.
Engaging in Passive-Aggressive Behaviors Such as Stalling or Procrastinating to Avoid Talking About a Problem: When a partner repeatedly delays discussions under the guise of being busy or needing more time, it can be a subtle but powerful form of stonewalling.
Refusing to Acknowledge the Stonewalling Behavior: Denying the occurrence of stonewalling can be especially frustrating for the partner attempting to communicate. This refusal to acknowledge the behavior prevents addressing and resolving the underlying issues.

Understanding these signs is the first step in addressing stonewalling within your relationship. Noticing this behavior is the first step. From there, you can take action to improve communication and build a more honest dialogue with your partner.

If you or your partner are showing these behaviors, it might be time to explore why they’re happening and seek ways to improve communication.

A couple in a modern kitchen, one partner visibly frustrated while the other offers comfort, reflecting the strain caused by unresolved conflict and stonewalling in their relationship. — Is Stonewalling Toxic Behavior

Why Stonewalling Feels Like a Betrayal

When someone stonewalls, they create an invisible barrier, leaving the other person feeling isolated and unheard. It’s like being in the middle of a conversation where the other person suddenly exits the room without warning.

This emotional abandonment can make the stonewalled partner feel worthless, rejected, and confused. According to Dr. John Gottman, a well-respected psychologist and researcher, “Stonewalling is one of the most significant predictors of relationship breakdown. When communication shuts down, the relationship begins to erode.”

What Causes Someone to Stonewall?

Understanding the motivations behind stonewalling is crucial for addressing it effectively in relationships.

Stonewalling is not merely an act of hostility but a response rooted in emotional struggles like fear, anxiety, or frustration.

Recognizing these underlying causes can help both partners work together to overcome the barriers stonewalling creates.

Common Motivations for Stonewalling

Fear of Confrontation: Many Stonewall to avoid conflict, often due to childhood experiences where expressing emotions led to negative consequences. This learned behavior becomes a way to protect themselves from the discomfort of confrontation.
Emotional Overwhelm: During intense emotional moments, some individuals may shut down because they feel incapable of handling the situation. Stonewalling becomes a way to cope with feelings of being overwhelmed.
Control or Manipulation: In more extreme cases, stonewalling is used to exert control over the situation, pushing the other person to bend to their will or to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
Underlying Hopelessness: If someone believes a resolution is unattainable or that their partner isn’t interested in resolving the issue, they might disengage out of hopelessness. This defensive mechanism is often a way to avoid further emotional pain.
Childhood Conditioning: Stonewalling can be a learned behavior from childhood, where it was used by parents to “keep the peace” or assert dominance. This ingrained response can become a default reaction in adult relationships.
Self-Perception of Neutrality: Some individuals stonewall to appear neutral or composed, especially if they view their partner as overly emotional or unreasonable. This can create an illusion of taking the “higher ground” but ultimately deepens the communication divide.

By understanding these motivations, whether they stem from fear, emotional overwhelm, control, hopelessness, or learned behaviors, couples can begin to address stonewalling more constructively.

Recognizing these patterns allows both partners to work together to develop healthier communication strategies, ultimately strengthening their relationship.

Why Does Stonewalling Damage Relationships?

While stonewalling might seem like a harmless or even necessary escape from a stressful situation, its effects can be far-reaching.

Research has shown that stonewalling doesn’t just hurt emotionally; it can also have physical repercussions.

A long-term study of 156 couples revealed that persistent stonewalling behaviors were linked to physical symptoms such as backaches, neck stiffness, and muscle pain in the stonewaller. At the same time, their partners often experienced cardiovascular issues like increased blood pressure and headaches.

Stonewalling is a harmful communication pattern that can quietly erode the foundation of even the strongest relationships.

Stonewalling is not just about silence or withdrawal; it’s about shutting down the channels of connection that relationships rely on to thrive.

When one partner stonewalls, it creates a barrier that blocks emotional intimacy and trust, causing the relationship to suffer in several significant ways.

The Emotional Toll of Withdrawal

When stonewalling occurs, it often leads to emotional withdrawal on both sides. The partner who stonewalls might feel justified in their silence, believing it to be a protective measure against conflict.

However, the partner on the receiving end is left feeling isolated, ignored, and rejected. This emotional withdrawal can quickly create a gap between the two individuals, making it harder to reconnect and resolve underlying issues.

Over time, this sense of distance can grow, causing partners to drift apart emotionally. The once-strong bonds of intimacy and trust weaken, replaced by feelings of loneliness and resentment.

As the emotional connection deteriorates, the relationship can feel more like a battleground than a partnership, with both individuals feeling misunderstood and unsupported.

A couple during a counseling session in a cozy living room, engaged in conversation with a therapist, symbolizing the beginning of resolving relationship issues. — Is Stonewalling Passive Aggressive

Manipulation and Control

Stonewalling isn’t always intentional. Sometimes, it’s a defense mechanism. But when used deliberately, it becomes a tool for control.

A partner who stonewalls on purpose shifts blame without taking responsibility. Silence becomes a way to punish, manipulate, or force compliance. Instead of fostering understanding, it creates distance and reinforces power imbalances.

In this dynamic, the person being stonewalled may start questioning their worth. They might feel like they’re always wrong or failing to meet their partner’s expectations.

Over time, this can create a toxic cycle. The more they seek validation, the more they’re met with silence and rejection.

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Stonewalling as Gaslighting

At its worst, stonewalling can act as a form of gaslighting. It manipulates the other person into doubting their reality.

When a partner repeatedly ignores discussions or dismisses feelings, the other person may question their perceptions and experiences.

They may start to wonder if they are overreacting, being too sensitive, or imagining problems that aren’t there.

Self-doubt can be deeply damaging. It erodes self-confidence and creates a growing need for the stonewalling partner’s approval.

As doubt increases, so does the stonewalling partner’s control. This imbalance strengthens, making the relationship even more one-sided.

signs of stonewalling in a relationship

Recognizing the signs of stonewalling in a relationship is crucial for maintaining healthy communication. Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from interaction, creating emotional distance. Key indicators include:

Silent Treatment: Deliberately ignoring or refusing to speak to you during discussions or conflicts.
One-Word Responses: Providing minimal answers like “yes,” “no,” or “fine,” signaling disengagement. brides.com
Changing the Subject: Avoiding the topic by steering the conversation elsewhere.
Avoidance Behaviors: Physically leaving or avoiding situations where meaningful conversation might occur.
Lack of Eye Contact: Refusing to make eye contact during interactions, indicating withdrawal.
Dismissive Body Language: Displaying closed-off postures, such as crossed arms, to signal disinterest.
Refusal to Answer Questions: Ignoring direct questions or refusing to engage in problem-solving discussions.

Identifying these behaviors early can help address communication issues before they escalate, fostering a healthier and more connected relationship.

The Vicious Cycle of Stonewalling

One of the most destructive aspects of stonewalling is how it perpetuates a vicious cycle. The more one partner stonewalls, the harder the other may push for communication. This often leads to growing frustration and desperation.

This, in turn, may lead the stonewalling partner to withdraw even further, feeling overwhelmed or attacked. As the cycle continues, both partners become entrenched in their roles, making it harder to break free from the pattern.

Without intervention, this cycle can lead to a complete breakdown of communication, where both partners feel alienated and disconnected.

Unresolved conflict creates constant tension in the relationship. Over time, this leads to growing dissatisfaction, resulting in separation or divorce.

A couple in the living room and one is ignoring the other as the other is clearly upset — Is stonewalling Narcissistic

Is Stonewalling Always Abusive?

Stonewalling isn’t always abusive. But when used to manipulate or control, it becomes emotional abuse.

If a partner consistently shuts down conversations to avoid accountability or punish the other, it’s a serious red flag. This behavior shouldn’t be ignored.

Stonewalling can also act as gaslighting. It causes the other person to question their experiences and feelings, leading to confusion and self-doubt.

How to Address Stonewalling in Your Relationship

If you recognize stonewalling in your relationship, it’s crucial to address it sooner rather than later. The first step is acknowledging the behavior without placing blame. Here’s how you can start:

Communicate Openly: Approach your partner with a willingness to understand, rather than accuse. For example, you might say, “I’ve noticed that we both tend to shut down during arguments. Can we talk about why that happens and how we can handle it differently?”
Set Ground Rules: Agree on communication strategies before conflicts arise. This could include taking a break when emotions run high, but with the understanding that you will return to the conversation after cooling down.
Practice Active Listening: When discussing sensitive topics, make a conscious effort to listen fully before responding. This means no interrupting, no eye-rolling, and no dismissive body language. Acknowledge your partner’s feelings even if you don’t agree with them.
Seek Professional Help: Sometimes, couples need outside support to break unhealthy communication patterns. A therapist can offer valuable tools and strategies to help both partners understand and change their behaviors.

Dr. Carly Snyder, a psychiatrist specializing in women’s mental health, emphasizes the importance of seeking professional help. “Couples therapy can be incredibly effective in teaching partners how to communicate in a way that brings them closer together, rather than driving them apart.”
Take Care of Yourself: If you’re the one being stonewalled, it’s important to take care of your emotional well-being. This might mean seeking individual therapy, practicing self-care, and setting boundaries. Remember, it’s okay to ask for what you need in a relationship.

Stonewalling is one of the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,’ or indicators that if nothing changes in the relationship, it will fail. It’s a technique some people use when they feel they’ve lost control in a conflict, and it involves putting up an emotional wall between yourself and the other person in the relationship.
John Gottman, The Gottman Institute

Final Thoughts:

Stonewalling isn’t just a bad habit. It’s a harmful communication pattern that can weaken your relationship. With awareness, effort, and the right tools, you can break the cycle.

Open communication, clear boundaries, and professional support can help. Taking these steps strengthens your relationship and keeps it healthy.

If you’re struggling with stonewalling in your relationship, don’t wait for the damage to become irreparable. Start making changes today, and remember that every step you take towards better communication is a step towards a stronger, more fulfilling partnership.

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Stonewalling In Relationships: Signs, Types & How To Fix It!