The shock of a friend turning on you, spreading rumors, or taking sides in a conflict you didn’t even see coming? The confusion of a smear campaign, seeing someone you trusted become a cheerleader for negativity?

If this resonates, you may have met “flying monkeys” in the context of narcissism.

For me, this isn’t just a concept. Through two marriages to individuals with narcissistic traits, I’ve lived the reality of flying monkeys.

Friendships fractured by misinformation, online strangers echoing my ex-partners’ attacks – the experience is profoundly disorienting.

This article is born from that experience. Let’s unpack what flying monkeys are, how narcissists use them, and crucially, how to protect yourself.

Navigating narcissism is tough enough; flying monkeys make it feel overwhelming. Know you’re not alone, and understanding this is your first step to reclaiming peace.

What’s a Flying Monkey, Anyway?

If you’re picturing a tiny winged creature from The Wizard of Oz, you’re not far off. In the movie, the Wicked Witch of the West sends her flying monkeys to do her bidding—whether it’s spying, attacking, or causing chaos. In real life, a narcissist’s flying monkeys aren’t literal (thank goodness), but they serve a similar purpose.

A flying monkey is someone the narcissist manipulates into doing their dirty work. This could be spreading gossip, gaslighting you, or even outright bullying you on the narcissist’s behalf. They might not even realize they’re being used—they just think they’re “helping” or “standing up for what’s right.”

image of a flying monkey stalking someone in a disco

Why Do Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys?

Narcissists thrive on control and attention. But here’s the thing: they don’t always want to get their hands dirty. That’s where the flying monkeys come in.

By recruiting others to do their bidding, narcissists can:

Maintain their image: They look like the innocent victim while the flying monkey does the attack.
Isolate you: If everyone around you is suddenly on their side, you’re left feeling alone and confused.
Exert power: It’s a way to show they’re in control, even if they’re not the ones directly confronting you.

It’s a classic case of divide and conquer. And honestly, it’s pretty sneaky

Who Becomes a Flying Monkey?

Not everyone is susceptible to becoming a flying monkey, but certain types of people are more likely to fall into the role:

The Enabler: This person might have a soft spot for the narcissist and will jump to their defense no matter what.
The Rescuer: They see the narcissist as a victim and feel compelled to “save” them.
The Gullible Friend: They believe everything the narcissist says without questioning it.
The Covert Bully: They enjoy the drama and are happy to join in on the attack.

Sometimes, flying monkeys are just people who’ve been manipulated so well that they genuinely believe they’re doing the right thing. Other times, they’re complicit in the narcissist’s games. Either way, the result is the same: you’re left dealing with their interference.

image of two people gossipping about another in front of them

How to Spot a Flying Monkey

Flying monkeys can be tricky to identify, especially if they’re someone you once trusted. Here are some red flags to watch for:

They suddenly start parroting the narcissist’s words or opinions.
They try to gaslight you or make you doubt your own experiences.
They pressure you to “make peace” with the narcissist, even if it’s at your own expense.
They spread rumors or share private information about you.

If you notice these behaviors, it’s time to take a step back and reassess the relationship.

How to Deal with Flying Monkeys

So, what do you do when the flying monkeys come knocking? Here are a few strategies:

Don’t Engage
Arguing with a flying monkey is like playing chess with a pigeon—they’ll just knock over the pieces and strut around like they’ve won. Save your energy.
Set Boundaries
Let them know their behavior isn’t acceptable. For example, “I’m not comfortable discussing this with you,” or “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t share my personal information.”
Focus on Your Support System
Surround yourself with people who truly have your back. They’ll help you stay grounded when the flying monkeys try to rattle you.
Document Everything
If the flying monkeys are spreading lies or harassing you, keep a record of their actions. This can be useful if you need to take legal or professional steps later.
Remember: It’s Not About You
Flying monkeys are a reflection of the narcissist’s manipulation, not your worth. Don’t let their actions make you doubt yourself.

image of flying monkeys being bullies in the workplace

Why Flying Monkeys Are So Hard to Shake

Here’s the frustrating part: flying monkeys often believe they’re doing the right thing. They might think they’re rescuing the narcissist, standing up for justice, or simply being a good friend. And because they’re so convinced of their righteousness, they can be incredibly persistent.

But here’s the thing: time always reveals the truth. Eventually, most flying monkeys start to see the narcissists for who they are. It might take weeks, months, or even years—but the mask always slips.

What If You’ve Been a Flying Monkey?

Let’s be real: none of us are perfect. If you’ve ever realized you’ve been a flying monkey, don’t beat yourself up. It happens. The important thing is to acknowledge it, learn from it, and make amends if you can.

Ask yourself:

Was I acting out of a need to feel valued or needed?
Did I question the narcissist’s version of events, or did I take it at face value?
How can I avoid being manipulated in the future?

It’s never too late to break free from the narcissist’s influence and start thinking for yourself.

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How Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys

Let’s dive a bit deeper into some real-life scenarios and additional insights to help you better understand and navigate the world of narcissistic abuse and flying monkeys.

The Covert Narcissists and Their Flying Monkeys

Covert narcissists are particularly adept at using flying monkeys. They might play the victim so convincingly that even the most skeptical person is drawn into their web. For example, a covert narcissist might share a sob story about how they’ve been wronged, prompting their flying monkeys to jump to their defense without questioning the narrative.

Gaslighting Tactics

One of the most insidious tools in a narcissist’s arsenal is gaslighting. Flying monkeys often use gaslighting tactics to make you doubt your own experiences. They might say things like, “You’re overreacting,” or “That never happened.” This can be incredibly disorienting, but it’s important to trust your gut feeling and stand firm in your truth.

The Role of Social Media

In today’s digital age, social media can be a breeding ground for flying monkeys. A narcissist may use platforms like Facebook or Instagram to spread misinformation and rally their allies. If you find yourself on the receiving end of an online smear campaign, it’s crucial to seek support and resources to help you navigate the situation.

The Emotional Toll

Being targeted by flying monkeys can take a significant emotional toll. You may feel isolated, betrayed, and even question your sanity. It’s important to seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can help you process your emotions and rebuild your sense of self.

Breaking Free

Breaking free from the influence of a narcissist and their flying monkeys is no easy feat, but it’s entirely possible. Focus on other things that bring you joy and fulfillment, and don’t be afraid to cut ties with toxic individuals. Remember, you deserve to be surrounded by people who uplift and support you.

Final Thoughts

Feeling alone facing narcissistic flying monkeys? Know you’re not. Many have navigated this and emerged stronger. Your active steps forward are key: prioritize self-care, enforce boundaries, and build genuine connections.

Trauma recovery and spiritual psychology, fields championed by experts like Coach Vishnu Ra, offer profound insight. Healing isn’t just coping; it’s reclaiming your inherent strength and spiritual resilience. The very need for flying monkeys highlights your power – a power you now actively cultivate.

Healing is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself, trust your strength, and know you are actively building a healthier, more empowered future. You are resilient.

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